newer poems added at the top. thank you for reading.


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stuck in the cradle of a thought
some where between this dusty valley and the next
i stank through my new t shirt with a long text about god driving the car
what is my anxiety but a cowboy lassoing the fuck out of my soul
dropped a key somewhere along my path
oh well, no one knows what door it’s for
i remember the day mike’s eyes looked more like glowing geological formations than eyes


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the place where the water meets the sky
meets the glow from the sun
the place in the sky where my gaze meets yours
the place where my knees meet the dirt
meet the earth
meet my longing


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big time ocean eyes
swaying back and forth
in the path of your gaze


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is This what they meant
when

listening
listening

the sound of growth
the sound of love reaching your body
the sound of my face under the fervor of your palm
the sound of hope glistening in the chasm

the way i cast love over your body
like the way a mountain casts a shadow over itself

where one dam is built
another has erupted

listening
listening

As The Sun Rises
My Heart Softens

Feeling around the room
for You
for Me

feeling
around

when a flower blooms
love inches itself closer to you

a river sounds the same now as it did 100 years ago
a river is saying the same thing now as it was 100 years ago

what color is the room your mind lives in?

listening
listening

the way failure looks itself in the mirror and sees everything and nothing
the sound of you leaving your body

craning my neck back , under a tree
eyes follow , and my mouth
slowly opens


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learning to disembody the fear inherited
divest! divesting! everything must go!
the opposite of an investment banker
the fear of god is not welcome here
you’re watching it
what watches you


***

it turns out
there isn’t a word in the english language
for the opposite of a shadow
i love reading these discussion threads on quora dot com
of people debating this term or lack thereof

what is it about discussing some thing that has no word


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more love poems, omens, premonitions, one door leading into the next. googling how to open my channel of love, end up reading about rock formations in greece and various exceedingly heteronormative you tube channels about how to attract your forever-husband. imagining the channel of love as a long silver thread between my gaze and yours, the channel of love through a large wooden door on the side of a mountain. seeing small infinite pools of water in rocks whose shape is always changing, curves carved out by waves. the place where the rock meets the water, tenderness standing on a cliff deciding to be or not to be. I realize I am still gazing into the small pool of water in a heart shaped crevice. the longer I stare the further I go the more capacity i feel, is this what opening my channel of love feels like?


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Eternal river
been laid out
knocked out
forked out over up
before you were even born


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walking down willoughby street with a country song crying in my ear. it was warm tonight but it snowed the other day. oscillating between being In the feeling and being With the feeling, this - this is a tool i paid good money to learn. have you ever found yourself hangry at the taco bell by union square? what about the one on mcguinness blvd?  i think we can all agree that masks changed crying in public but i still wonder if people can tell i’m crying based on just my eyes. i know you must think i am someone who’s in touch with their emotions but, i don’t think i cry a lot, at least in front of others. i grew up crying mostly through gritted teeth, one could say my childhood training of emotional suppression was….successful. i put contacts in the other day with dirty fingers and i was very very sorry. i trip on the sidewalk all the time because I am busy, looking. praying for mercy hunched over my ikea swedish meatballs. we are all genius children until we are not.


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a river runs between two buildings
dirt as desire being crushed in the palm of your hand

my eyes rise to meet yours
like the way lava inches closer

spinning eyes land on the horizon
slowly I kneel down to the ground
to meet a small crevice filled with water

my fingers tented in the dirt, leaning forward peering in
if I am very quiet and very still i can go somewhere else
somewhere, where you don’t exist and neither do i

still kneeling, I lean down and graze the side of my face on the grass
i can feel the moisture touching me
god, is that you?

sun in my mouth
like a marble rolling around the base of a sink, spinning into a slow drawl
reminding me, what it's like, to give in


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stepping out into the world
like one of those raggedy dolls

is the sun rising or am i falling
is the flower rotting or am I being born again

i think about my deep desire and or curiosity with love
convinced of never having been in-in it but observing from afar
like the cautious dog that i am
slowly inching closer

in the sunsets light we all look like perfect lovers
is a perfect lover just someone who doesn’t try to own you

in society's eyes we are all perfect punishers
i repeat this in my head as i drizzle sriracha over my pastry

thank you to the stranger on the street who aggressively shouted at me
to watch out for that dog shit as my foot was on its way down, i love new yorkers


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i wanted to ask
if you could imagine me
walking up your driveway
wearing only a bright green cape knotted around my neck
with a large papa johns pizza in my arms
is it gob smacked or god smacked
i ask you with your head under the heel of my shoe


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i swing the door open and bee line to the jackets, it’s fall, i’ve been to this location before
somewhere behind me i hear an older woman repeating
that’s what happens when you pull
that’s what happens when you pull
that’s what happens when you pull
to the small gagging dog she’s placing in the seat of the cart

i bet in their conversations she is always right

i didn’t relate to dogs choking themselves until i became an adult


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keeping track of the horizon
don’t think i didn’t clock the way your eyes lit up when i said “baby”
watching light break through water
watching something forever out of reach
forever evasive forever shifting

it’s a relief, isn’t it

some things we’ll never have power over
you press a flower to my mouth and tell me to open

leading myself to a place
where my body is held and not trapped

a smile personified
a tree mystified
a rock romanticized

all i wanted was to play tag in the desert
and grow more hysterical with each lunge

turns out
i am both the hysteria and the serenity
both the waves and the ocean they break in
both the beginning and the end
both mercy and revenge
is that a sickle in the distance or just a flower arching towards me?

water falling from my mouth trailing down my body as i process the truth that love does not require me to shrink myself

re-entering the story through my body standing in the shower watching the sky pass through the window frame
time without a clock

i heard
if you whistle down the river
you’ll hear it forever


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they say god is real
and when i look at you
i believe it

what’s the term for when you want to fall into the face of someone, lovingly

bliss interrupted in the penthouse sixty nine floors high
by the sound of drilling into concrete


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when i write with sass
it is because i am thinking of you
thinking of you
staring me down
in the way i can only imagine you would
thinking of you
cast in a different light
the kind of light that suddenly appears when the chances of fucking become a lot realer


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walking down myrtle avenue with my body in my ear telling me that something very bad is going to happen. my body is lodged in a different time, i’m dragging it through present day, through fort greene park. trying to extract it from the timeline of trauma, show it that it’s in the Now-Now. “See, look, look at these twigs on the ground. We are HERE in NEW YORK at the PARK you are your own person, twenty nine years old, you are SAFE”. the more i desperately present these new truths to it the less i have to drag it, who can i believe if not myself?


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every day i rise
and watch the sun come up
like a good dog

i - am a most loyal dog
i love endlessly
earnestly
my tail wags
i lick your face


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if i am very Good they will give me a reward, a prize for being so good
if i am very good the big man upstairs will let me in through his big pearly gates
if i am very good i can have it all they say
if i am very good they might even forget me in their rage
if i am very good it won’t always be this way
if i am very good they will be honest with me
If I Am Very Good They Will Tell The Truth


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Spring Is Everything
calls me to my knees
a soft damp meeting, a soft damp kneeling
a slug kissing my skin
leaving a trail because there is always an after
the sun weaving through all things
meeting my face my eyes
in the suns light
i am free to be me

on the phone this morning my mom told me that the birds were singing
i asked if they were singing to her
she said yes


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